Christmas is not for the likes of me. Not because I am a Scrooge, a bah humbug who grumbles at the mere mention of anything festive. I really like Christmas. Well some of it anyway…hello there twinkly lights and carols giving me all sorts of fuzzy feelings. But because I don’t belong in its demographic. […]

Life with mental health issues feels like riding a rollercoaster. Somehow I seem to have joined the wrong queue and ended up on an extreme ride rather than the nice sedate family style one I was aiming for. Getting whiplash from the constant switching from unexpected highs to the soul-breaking lows. Sometimes I just want […]

I don’t ‘look’ like I have depression and anxiety. I get out of bed, I shower, I put make up on. Keep my house tidy and clean (ish). I leave the house. I can act silly, dance under flashing lights, go out with friends. Talk to strangers. Get animated over my latest binge-watching obsession. Those […]

Time is the most slippery of things. It feels limitless, stretches out into the unknown. Unquantifiable for all the multitude of words trying to contain it. And then suddenly it is gone. Vanished. Before you are even aware it has passed. I could have sworn it was only last month I wrote. I remember two […]

My stomach is churning. I feel sick. Tight. Full of terror. Body poised to fight or to flee far away from this situation. I want to cry. So what life-threatening emergency am I facing to provoke such bone-crushing panic? I need to make a phone call. Yep a simple phone call. To make an appointment. […]

We mark the years that pass. We celebrate the birthdays, the anniversaries, the good times. Mourn the deaths. We mark the passage of time. I have been flying solo for a year now. A whole whopping great big year. Gone in the blink of an eye. Stuffed so full of shifts, challenges and adventures I […]

Turns out I was just a teeny tiny bit ahead of myself when I wrote the post back last September boldly titled ‘and I am back‘. I was wrong. And very far from being back here. Last summer I went from being one of two for 23 years to just one. Simply me. On my […]

Another day, another mental health awareness day. That’s how it feels sometimes. Another day where my social media feeds fill up with words and images. Of support, encouragement, reassurance. Calls to reach out to those with mental health issues and for them to reach out in turn. Tales of sorrow, heartbreak and sheer bloody mindedness […]

I didn’t mean to stay away. I simply stopped. Stopped writing. Stopped reading. Stopped being. Life was complicated. Life is still complicated. I needed to step back. Had to step back. I needed to write yet felt unable to sit down and start. Like there was too much in my head, like I didn’t know […]

Sometimes. Too often. I feel I am drowning. Like I can barely keep myself above the water. Even on good days it still feels like treading water, as if I am merely biding time till my energy runs out. Waiting for it to become too much, for it to overwhelm. I forget I have not […]

Do you know me? Because I certainly don’t. I don’t know who I am anymore. The idea for this post has been eating away at me for months now. For almost a year. But I kept on pushing it away. Too scared to write it. Worried what I might uncover, that I might not do […]

Usually I plug myself in when out in public on my own. Protect myself from how the noises and movements overwhelm. Hide so there is no risk of engagement. Distract from the worries and anxiety flowing from me being out here. Where people can see me. Lose myself in the music entering my ears. Today […]