Life with mental health issues feels like riding a rollercoaster. Somehow I seem to have joined the wrong queue and ended up on an extreme ride rather than the nice sedate family style one I was aiming for. Getting whiplash from the constant switching from unexpected highs to the soul-breaking lows. Sometimes I just want to apply the emergency brake.
For the first time in a very long while, I can see things are better. Or getting there. Perhaps I have always been strong, these last few months though I have seen glimpses of a belief that maybe, just maybe I actually am. Life has changed so much and so far I have not sunk. Clinging to the life raft at times but still above water. Trying to work out what makes me happy right now. And I can see the roots taking hold, starting to grow. Seeking out new experiences, meeting new people, making friends. Starting to feel out who I am now and where I want to take myself in this life I am re-engaging with.
But I am impatient. And sometimes overwhelmed.
I want to get there now. I can see the things I want to change and I want them changed yesterday. It feels like I am living with my foot in two worlds right now and I want to yank free the foot still stuck behind. But I am stuck and uncertain. Scared. Of being unbalanced, of not being able to break free. Of not being enough.
And I am tired.
And sometimes, too often, it is easier to sink backwards. To pull my foot back away from the steps I have taken forwards. To believe those voices saying it is too much, that I will fail. That I can’t do it. As bad as the bad times can be, they are safe. They are my normal. And it is hard to break from them.
I am constantly fighting. And some days I don’t win. But there are days when I do. And I have to hold on tight to those days. And keep on riding that rollercoaster.
