I didn’t mean to stay away. I simply stopped. Stopped writing. Stopped reading. Stopped being. Life was complicated. Life is still complicated. I needed to step back. Had to step back. I needed to write yet felt unable to sit down and start. Like there was too much in my head, like I didn’t know where to begin. And that if I started I wouldn’t know how to stop.
I am in a time of new beginnings. Of big changes. And I am still feeling pretty lost. Unsure of myself and where I am going. This time though I am trying to keep going. To not let it overwhelm and stop me from moving. From living.
The time seems right for a ‘Brian’ plan. Yep a Brian plan. This is nothing fancy or complicated and its title means nothing beyond a small group of people – one of whom is the infamous Brian. It is nothing new either. Simply looking at the now rather than what may be.
I need to stop dwelling on the future. It paralyses me trying to work out where I am going, what I want to make of my life, who I want to be. Thoughts, questions and uncertainty circle in my head. There is no answer, no path becomes clear. So I do nothing. Just think. Just going nowhere.
The ‘Brian’ plan is about letting go of all this worrying about the future and looking instead at what would make me happy now. What do I need to do now to look after myself? And perhaps as important as the doing, the not-doing. What am I spending my time doing that needs to stop, that is not making my life happier, better? What needs to give and what needs to start.
Now. Right now.
Not even 3 months or 1 month down the line. This week, this day. Now. Right now.
But working out what makes me happy sounds easier in my head than it is in practice. I war with myself over what to include and exclude. With the feeling of what ‘should’ be on it. With what feels selfish or silly to include. The questioning over what does actually make me happy and the feeling that somehow I am letting others down in some unknown way by doing this. Still fighting against the part of me that feels like I am failing people by not meeting their expectations for me or doing what they believe I should do.
I am fighting though. I am digging my heels in and fighting against years of ingrained habit to put the future aside. To look at now. To look at my now.