We have done it. We have swapped the open fields of Cumbria for the urban sprawl of Leeds. Outside my windows, concrete and tarmac stretch unseen. Traffic hums, the darkness is no longer pitch black. There are sounds all the time, the unfamiliar surrounds me.
So how am I feeling? After all the struggling living within me in the days leading up to this move?
Right now I am physically exhausted, emotionally empty and struggling with the new. We have too many belongings, there are piles of boxes waiting to be sorted, I have nowhere to hide.
The final moments of driving away from our old home did not bring the tears I had convinced myself would come. I had said goodbye in my head time and time again whilst moving out our belongings so by the time that moment came, I had nothing left. Every time I had looked out the living room window at the view my eyes had stared at through so many empty hours, every time I stepped in the bedroom where I had gone to feel safe when the world became too much. Every time the reaction had been visceral. It felt like I was cutting out parts of me.
So by the time we left I was empty. In the end I left without tears. I am still without tears.
I am uncomfortable and uncertain with the new. I fear the changes in my life.
Yet I am also excited and dare I say it…slightly happy. I walked to the shops today. Yep-all-on-my-little-lonesome-simply-because-I-can. You may be all like ‘hey what is so amazing about that?’. Imagine though living isolated from everything for 2 years being unable to walk to anything, to do anything on your own. Now picture taking those first steps. Get that tingle in your tummy? Yep that was me today. I can walk to places, I can get the bus, heck I can even get to the airport and see the world…all on my own.
So right now I am not sure which part of me is winning. The fighting is nothing new. My home however is.